i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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