areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
