could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
