I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
