Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
