shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
