I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
