his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sober January is a disaster.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
