a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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