Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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