I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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