There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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