found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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