I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
