I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
