I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
