I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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