I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
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I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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