Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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