dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
