hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
