If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
