I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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