Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You made out with two different species that night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
