I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
