I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
