Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
