Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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