The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
