Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
