i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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