I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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