Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
