You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
