i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
