Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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