So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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