Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
