my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ttyl tear gas
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
