i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
