The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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