There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
