I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
