In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
