my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
