A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
