then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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