look no pants
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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