he puts the penis in happiness.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
