I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
