I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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