i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
