Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
