I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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