The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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