My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
