new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
